caz963 | I'm sad and owning up to it :(

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I'm sad and owning up to it :(

This has been on my mind for a few days but I've been trying not to think about it because, really, how pathetic am I that I'm still 'in mourning' over a week later?

But I often say that I find writing theraputic, so last night I told myself to stop being such a wimp, because this is my LJ, and I can be as pathetic and whiny as I want - and I remembered that are friends out there who will understand all too well just how I feel, even if they're not fans of the same show.

I think I met most of the people on my f-list through a shared love for The West Wing and the works of Aaron Sorkin. That show ended over three and a half years ago (blimey!) and I remembered yesterday that a lot of us back then talked about how sad we were when WW ended and said how much it felt like we were grieving for a departed friend. And I suppose that's what's some TV shows do become to some of us - friends. I don't watch a lot of telly, but I do tend to become invested in the few shows I do get the time for, and there have been the odd one or two that have been a real wrench for me when they ended. I think the first show I felt that way about was Bablyon 5; after that, and on a much larger scale, it was West Wing. Now though, it's not a show - it's a character. Which makes me feel even weirder, because the show itself hasn’t ended.

I loved Doctor Who as a kid. I remember Patrick Troughton and Jamie being chased by Yetis; and the Ice Warriors (they should have been brought back!) and Daleks in black and white - but my doctor was unquestionably Jon Pertwee. He regenerated into Tom Baker after three years, and I liked him as well, but he wasn’t my doctor in the same way that Pertwee had been. Then Peter Davison came along, and I liked him, too. He, of course, was already a very well-known TV actor, and although he was the youngest Doctor ever, he still managed to make the part his own. I confess I rather lost touch with the show when Colin Baker took over. Not necessariy because I disliked him, but I think that was around the time the Beeb began to try to kill the show off and started to mess with the timeslot. It also, I think, co-incided with my leaving University and starting work, and the new weekday timeslots just didn’t work for me. So I missed most of the 6th and 7th Doctors, although I do remember tuning in to see the final episode in 1989.

Then, in 1996, there was an attempt to revive the show with the one-off TV movie, and even though I’d not regularly watched the show since the early 80s, I was still excited about it and made a point of watching. I think I even have the video still around somewhere! Sadly, it didn’t regenerate successfully – which is a great shame, because Paul McGann’s performance and interpretation of the character were really very good.

But finally, in 2005, it came back in a new format with a new doctor and a new creative team. I didn’t know much about RTD other than that he’d written stuff like Bob and Rose and Casanova, both of which I liked a lot. I was surprised at the choice of Christopher Eccleston for the title role – he’s a fantastic actor, but I always think of him as more of an “arthouse” type… although there was Cracker, I suppose. Anyway, it was a good choice and I think the right decision to bring back the programme with a well-known and respected actor in the lead role.
Even though by this time I was ‘sensible and grown up’ (shut-up… you know I’m looking at you!) and had kids of my own, it didn’t matter. Doctor Who was something I’d grown up with and there was never a doubt that I’d be watching.

I did. And I loved it. Having the ‘one story a week’ (mostly) format instead of the old 4 and 6 part serials worked well, Eccleston was fab and even Billie Piper, about whom I’d had my doubts – was good.

I knew of course that Eccleston had only signed on for one season – that was in the papers as the first episode aired! And I really had no idea who the next doctor was going to be. I know, I know… God knows what planet I was on(!), but the usual round of speculation went on about who would be taking on the part and whether it would be a woman etc. – so I was very pleasantly surprised when Eccleston turned into David Tennant, who I’d seen and loved in Casanova.

So. ~~Barcelona~~ Ten.

I’ve said this other places, but I’ll say it again. I think that even people like me, who grew up with the show and have watched all or most of his other incarnations - have grown to love Ten in the same way that we loved our first doctor, whoever that was. I have no hesitation in saying that from now on, he’ll always be my doctor, and blimey, is it tough to let go? I knew I’d be upset when he left, but I’m far more than that, which is very unexpected to say the least.

And no, it’s not (just) because David Tennant is sex-on-a-stick (heh!) He’s incredibly talented and gorgeous to boot, so I can’t imagine he’ll ever be out of work unless he wants to be.

But he gave us this amazing character. Mercurial, guilt-ridden, funny, ruthless, brilliant, self-absorbed (sometimes), childlike, witty, loving, arrogant, bursting with enthusiasm and energy… with a big heart (or two) and a grin to match. (And the sexy specs and the hair and that oh, so kissable pout. /shallow). There have been so many good analyses of his character written that I’m not even going to attempt it, but the format and the writing in the new version of Who allowed Tennant (a self-confessed Who-geek) to explore so many of the facets of the Doctor’s character that hadn’t been seen before.

So I’m grieving for this wonderful, damaged ~~man~~ character who so needed a mate. Someone with whom to share all the wonders of the universe – and someone who would stop him when he went too far.

And I miss him like hell already.

ETA - there was a Nine episode on tonight. I said to the kids just that Doctor Who was on, and my ten-year-old daughter said, "I hope it's not David Tennant - that would make me too sad."

*wibble*

I’m also a bit apprehensive regarding Series 5. They’ve re-designed the logo, the TARDIS is getting a re-fit (unsurprisingly, since Ten’s regeneration ripped it to bits) and I read that Murray Gold (who I was pleased to learn is staying on as composer) is re-vamping the theme music (again). Is there some kind of need on the part of the new team to ‘distance’ itself from the old? I get that people want to make changes from time to time and put their own stamp on something, but I hope it’s not change for change’s sake. I don’t want my doctor to have disappeared completely, even if he looks different. Each actor will of course approach the role and play it differently (I have no wish to watch someone trying to “pull a Tennant”!) but the rest of 'em are supposed to be in there somewhere and I hope that the handover to a different team won’t mean that the past five years will be shunted to one side. We won’t see Donna again, for example, but I don’t want to get the feeling that the Doctor has forgotten her. His body regenerates, but he doesn’t lose his memory and all the feelings that went with it.

And I’d hate to think that we won’t see Cybermen or Daleks – or the Master - again.

I’m not putting this very well – but I just hope that it won’t turn out to be a completely different show with the same title, rather than the same show with a different actor in the title role. And that doesn’t make any sense either. Maybe it’s just me being overly pessimistic because I’m still upset that Ten’s gone. Hopefully, I’ll be looking at this post in a few months time and re-reading it through my fingers and wondering how I could have been so pathetic. That, or re-reading it from behind the sofa.

I wish Matt Smith all the luck in the world – he’s got some incredibly big shoes to fill, and I hope he pulls it off.

Even as I hit post, I’m still telling myself off for being pathetic and that I’m old enough to know better. But I’m not f-locking it, even though I feel stupid, because I’m hoping that there are other, likeminded softies out there who want to come and mourn with me.

Allons-y!

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I'm sad that Mr T is moving on, but that's the way it works. As you say, he'll never be out of work, so here's hoping he's going to be appearing on our screens again soon.

What's worrying me now is that the previews of the Matt Smith era show an awful lot of manic running around. Whilst I know that Tom Baker did manic and running around (and I believe Patrick Troughton portrayed the Doctor as a little mad at times), the Eccleston & Tennant years have sometimes been a little *over*-manic and I think it would do for Mr Moffat to tone things down a little.

because, really, how pathetic am I that I'm still 'in mourning' over a week later?

No, not at all! You're right, the characters we love *do* become friends. We let them into our homes once a week, or more, we get to know them, and it naturally hurts if they leave when we're not ready to let them go.

Although I've never seen DW (aside from a couple of ancient original eps), there were people all over my flist who were posting that they were crying after the finale...so you're not alone!

I have no hesitation in saying that from now on, he’ll always be my doctor, and blimey, is it tough to let go?

I know. I'm sure I'll get used to Matt Smith because I've always moved on to the next Doctor, but DT just worked his way into my heart in a way none of the other Doctors entirely have.

A friend has just linked me to this which made me melt and sniffle all at the same time :)

Oh, I saw that earlier - how geeky and adorable and just downright gorgeous is that?

And I agree with everything else you said. Oh, and in exchange for your link - I don't know whether you've seen these already, but there are some wonderful Ten/Donna (friendship) fics over at

sue_denimme's LJ, plus loads of picspams of the lovely Mr T. I stumbled across it the other day amd have spent several happy and weepy hours over there!

I think they all did a fair bit of running, didn't they? I guess it's all down to the change of pace and needing things to move faster in a 50 minute self-contained episode as opposed to 4 weekly half-hour ones, as well as the fact that people expect things to be pacier these days. And they design those previews to be fast and punchy, so...

I just don't want it to change completely. It never did before, even when the lead actor moved on.

Oh, and have you seen this (http://magicallaw.livejournal.com/266890.html)? It made me tear up all over again.

What a sweet, adorkable geek.

Edited 2010-01-09 22:48 (UTC)

Oh, these look gorgeous. Many thanks for the link.

how geeky and adorable and just downright gorgeous is that?

Incredibly *g*. I just hope he finds another role that he'll enjoy as much.

Oh, there are many reasons for watching DW. Here are a few of them (http://caz963.livejournal.com/311009.html). *g*

It just feels so... silly, you know? I remember going through something similar wnen WW ended, and feeling the same (sad and daft!). I'm just glad there are people here who get it. Thanks, hun.

Edited because my html skillz seem to have taken a trip in the TARDIS without me!

Edited 2010-01-09 23:03 (UTC)

You're welcome. I've not read much DW fic at all - I've tended to steer clear, but hers are really good and she's got the pair of them to a T.

very well said ::hugs::

Awwwwww! That's just so adorable!

I was upset when I watched The End of Time but I'm feeling the loss more acutely now - a week later - because it's sunk in properly. Maybe because I'm seeing lots of set photos of Matt Smith and hearing bits and pieces of spoilers for the upcoming season.

I can understand them wanting to change things - and a TARDIS interior redesign wouldn't go astray, especially since they've said the change is as easy as changing a desktop theme or wallpaper :P

I do hope the new series remembers Nine and Ten's era and their companions, even if we don't see them ever/until series 6. I suspect Moffat is pretty good at maintaining continuity and references will pop up, though he seems to be sticking to his own creations for now.

But I think even Eleven's first scene referencing his previous regeneration - still not ginger - means Moffat respects what RTD has done over the last five years and will not completely erase it.

Here's to an Eleven/Ten two doctors adventure some time in the future :D

Aw, that's precious. What a doll.

I'm feeling the loss more acutely now - a week later - because it's sunk in properly - oh, absolutely.
And if you look at the official BBC site - and even Wikipedia - they're all now saying that Matt Smith is the Doctor - which of course heis, but it's still hard to see.

I have faith in Moffat, really - in fact, I was just listening to bits of the commentary for Silence in the Library and whoever was speaking was talking about the fact that he (Moff) is fascinated by what it means to be a time traveller and all the associated complications - and pointed out that all his episodes so far have dealt with just that, which is something I'd not really noticed.

Like some others, I found it quite hard to watch Eleven's first scene straight after Ten's 'death'. I know that's the way the show works, and I've never had that problem before.
What annoys me really is me - getting so worked up about something like this. I bawled my eyes out both times I saw the finale, and I'm still upset - which rationally makes no sense.

Thank you, dear. I feel like an idiot, but I just had to get it off my chest. I didn't think I'd ever feel this devastated - again - over something fictional, but I knew that you guys would understand.

And if Moffat takes his micro (single episodes) fascination with what it means to be a time travel and translates it to the macro (a whole season), I expect our heads will burst about mid-season. For a show with this concept, it really should be less linear than it is. :D

I don't know if your reaction isn't rational OR if we should just accept it as irrational. I think a television series or character elicits emotions for me because it's something you live with for years rather than a film - which lasts a couple of hours - or a book which might last a month if you're a slow reader. But the TV narrative expands over a long time and we get rationally (?) attached in an irrational (?) way. Hard to describe. (ie. it's rational to get attached but it seem irrational to be attached to a fictional character?)

What I'm really glad about is that I am looking forward to Matt Smith and I don't feel like losing Tennant is losing Doctor Who completely. But I guess that's the nature of this particular beast.

Oh god, now you've made me cry!!!

Ah, honey. As long as you don't write 500 page documents about bringing him back, you're not in the "sad" group for me!

I was bawling my eyes out when I watched EOT2, and then again when I rewatched it, AND when I watched the Confidential. We do get attached to characters - we watch them, squee about them, talk about them, so I think it's only normal to grieve when they're gone.

I didn't grow up with DW so I've only got Chris Eccleston for comparison - and I liked him but for me David is in a whole different league - I think he's just wonderful and a hard act to follow for anyone. Having said that, I am looking forward to Matt and what he will be doing with the role.

Well no, I don't think I'll be writing the 500 page essay any time soon! I'm looking forward to the new series, but right now, I just feel so sad. And daft...

I completely agree with what you say about TV providing longer-term opportunities for attachment than films or books. And you're right about the rational vs. the irrational reactions, too. Without trying to bore you to death - I've had stuff going on personally where I felt a certain way, and I kept saying to friends was that I shouldn't have felt the way I did, and that I felt stupid for feeling that way. They - quite rightly - told me to stop thinking like that and to accept that I had a right to feel however I wanted, regardless of whether I thought it was rational or not. So I'm trying to apply the same advice here - which is partly why I said "sod it" and wrote this post!

I will be watching the new series and I'm glad we've got to wait a few months; I need time to 'get over' Ten before I move on.

It had that effect on me, too.

I've finally gotten around to watching 'The End of Time' - I suspect I've been putting it off because of knowing what happens.

I'm crushed. Truly and completely. It does sort of feel like I've lost a good friend. *wibbles*

*hugs you*

*hugs you again*

I know! I'm still utterly devastated and it's been over a week :( Like I've said to others, I'm a fan of the show, not just DT, but right now, it's hard to think of Who without him. I know he's filmed a pilot for NBC, so fingers crossed it's picked up, even if the premise sounds a bit naff.

Oh, and if you need some Ten!goodness, follow the link in my reply to

kathyh. There are some lovely picspams there and some decent fic, too!

You should also check out the thing I linked Fenny to - but be warned, it'll kill you ded with teh adorkable!

From a random stranger who read your post from the Who Daily link...THANK YOU for not friends-locking your post. You're dang right that you're not alone in your all-too-real grief, although I feel like I've been alone in this, too. You wrote a beautiful piece here, and I'm so glad you did, because this is all exactly how I feel. Sending you warmth! :)

Thank you for stopping by; I was hoping some peeps would drop in and help me commiserate.

Hey, I've just read your post (was randomly flicking though DW communities and reading fanfics!) and I would like to say that I feel pretty much the same way! I only started watching during series 2 and haven't really seen any episodes without David Tennant in (I tried to watch a few Ecclestone episodes but it just didn't feel right =/) so the idea that he won't be in it anymore just feels really wrong to me!
I agree completely about the change part - it seems like they're making /everything/ different so I'm so so worried that it won't feel like the same show anymore..
Don't feel pathetic or silly - I'm sure there are loads of people who feel exactly the same! ( Like me *sob* :( )

Thanks for dropping by. I can honestly say that I've never been so affected by the 'death' of a fictional character.
It's definitely worth watching Ecclestone's Nine - although I can understand why that would be hard if you've only seen David Tennant. I'm going to find it hard to watch Matt Smith for the same reason.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm sad and owning up to it :(

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