![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
caz963Disclaimers: I own nothing, I’m making nothing… these wonderful characters were created by Aaron Sorkin and belong to Sorkin, Wells and NBC. I’m just taking them out for a spin and will return when I’ve finished with them. Although I might need to hang on to Josh for a while …
Being anally retentive about that sort of thing, I proofed it myself, so any mistakes are mine!
Category/Pairing: J/D –romance/angst (little bit!) and mush.
Spoilers: Up to Things Fall Apart, S6.
Rating: PG
A/N: This is the sequel to my earlier Theory of Evolution. It probably helps to have read that first...
Well, I guess given what I had happen at the end of Theory, we’re firmly in AU land now, but there were still some issues I wanted to explore, so I decided to try to run the non-canon romance alongside canon events – specifically those of Things Fall Apart. I hope it works!
I might also have taken a slight liberty with the timing of one of the events in the episode – but for the purposes of the story, I decided that Josh’s meeting with Leo when he informs him that Santos rejected Russell’s offer of the VP slot took place a little earlier in the day than it appears to have done.
From Evolution, you’ll know I’m in the camp who believes Donna was a bit mean to Josh back in the earlier part of S6 - this is just my interpretation of her actions and motives.
A/N 2: Thanks as usual to my tres amigos -![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
quaggy_mire, coloneljack and Chai for their constant encouragement and helpful suggestions. There were times when I was so fed up at the sight of this fic that I felt like kicking it into the middle of next week, but they all talked me down at one time or another… so if it sucks, you can blame them!! (kidding!)
A/N 3: Before you ask… no, I’m not leaving it there. ;)
The Process of Evolution
“How'd you get so smart about this?”
“I had a good teacher.”
“Thanks.”
“I meant Will.”
Why on earth had she said that? She’d meant it as a joke – of course she had – but she’d glanced back as she’d left the bar, seen the expression on Josh’s face and realized that maybe he hadn’t taken it that way. Or at any rate, that he hadn’t known how to take it at all.
Damn.
So much for the whole ‘evolving friendship’ thing she thought they’d had going since that dinner in DC back in the spring.
Donna kept walking determinedly until she reached the elevator, scowling at the closed doors as she pushed the call button repeatedly. What the hell was up with Josh these days? If she couldn’t even crack a little joke like that around him because he was going to take it the wrong way – oh, it was ridiculous. Josh Lyman had a sensitive side? She snorted. No one would believe that! Although of course, it was true, and she, better than anybody, knew it.
She hadn’t forgotten. And she hadn’t forgotten the things they’d talked about that night, after the DNC gala. But things were looking so much better for Santos now than they had back then. He’d won major primaries; he was gaining momentum all the time, which had led to the offer that Russell had made yesterday – to join his ticket as the presumptive Vice-Presidential candidate.
It was an amazing feat, she thought as the elevator finally arrived. Josh had taken an obscure congressman from Texas and made him quite possibly the next Vice President of the United States.
But she’d been right when she’d speculated that in fact, the names should have been reversed. She’d worked for Russell long enough to know that he wasn’t really presidential material. If she was honest with herself, she’d known it the day she started working on the campaign – even before that. She knew he (like Hoynes) had been courting Josh – and that if Josh had believed that either of them was the right man for the job, he would have been running one of their campaigns right now. And the fact that he’d left the White House before the end of the term because he believed that Congressman Santos was the right man to lead the country told her a lot. He’d left the job he’d wanted all his life and a man – two men – he respected and admired to run a dark horse campaign because of that conviction. It was the sort of leap of faith which would have been a major decision for anyone - but for Josh… well, Josh didn’t leave people. And the fact that he’d done it for Matthew Santos – said a lot about Matthew Santos.
So, she’d been right about the ticket, and she’d been right about having had a good teacher. She’d just misjudged Josh’s reaction somewhat – and now she was pissed. With him for being so uptight about it, and with herself for saying it in the first place. And with both of them for making something which should have been so simple into such hard work.
But she’d felt so comfortable just sitting there talking with him – it had been almost like old times in a way, finishing each other’s sentences, knowing what the other was going to say before they’d said it, and she’d made a teasing comment, expecting him to laugh it off or to throw a well-judged comeback straight back at her. But he hadn’t.
How could he? You didn’t give him a chance.
Donna didn’t want to think about that as she stepped out of the elevator and headed towards her room. Sliding her keycard into the lock, she entered, switched on the light and kicked off her shoes before taking off her jacket and plopping down on the bed.
It had been over three months since they’d had dinner in DC, and they hadn’t been able to find any time to spend together since. Donna supposed it wasn’t all that surprising, given the way things were going – as things geared up for the convention all the candidates had been rushing from state to state on an almost daily basis. The last time she’d seen Josh to speak to had been in DC on the day of the stem-cell vote – and then he’d had to rush off to Atlanta and she’d remained in Washington. They’d spoken on the phone every few days, their conversations had been… friendly, but no more than that; they hadn’t touched on anything that had been said (or done) that night in DC and Donna was actually beginning to wonder whether any of it had happened at all.
She shouldn’t be surprised, she supposed. That could be seen as an encapsulation of their entire relationship in a way – one step forward, two steps back. It was what they did – as soon as anything looked like it was going to go in a direction which would mean they might have to actually admit that their feelings for each other could just possibly extend beyond the professional or beyond mere friendship – they both ran in the opposite direction, ignoring, evading and denying for all they were worth. But that was back when she’d been Josh’s assistant, and there had been professional, as well as personal reasons which had kept them apart. But now, the professional reasons didn’t exist - although she guessed that maybe the press spokesperson for one candidate becoming involved with the campaign manager for another could be seen as a conflict of interest. And she thought that they’d begun to address some of the personal reasons behind the stalemate in which they’d found themselves back in the spring. Yet they still seemed to be in some kind of weird holding pattern.
After a few minutes, she got up, pulled an old t-shirt and pair of boxers out of a drawer and headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
Brushing her teeth, she admitted to herself that it wasn’t all Josh’s fault. She hadn’t been particularly forthcoming about that night, either. She’d deliberately kept her side of their conversations since then fairly lighthearted; they’d shared a few jokes, a bit of gossip here and there and even managed to tease each other a little, but neither of them had touched on those tentative admissions they’d made about what they’d wanted but hadn’t been able to make happen. Maybe it was because those sorts of conversation were better had in person, which, given their schedules, didn't happen often – or maybe it was just because there was so much going on with the campaigns that it was difficult to focus on anything else. She knew how single-minded Josh could be – it was one of the things that made him so good at what he did – and now he had a goal in sight, much closer than it had been a few of months ago, so she guessed it was only to be expected that he’d be wholly occupied with that. And to be honest, she was pretty single-minded herself these days…
Gets people wishing the names were reversed…
… or she would be, if it weren’t for the nagging doubts at the back of her mind. Well, not so much at the back, as her conversation with Josh had proved.
Finished in the bathroom, she turned off the light, then moved to sit on the edge of the bed and picked up her cell phone, staring at it for a moment as if will-power alone could make it ring. Twice she almost punched in Josh’s number… and twice she stopped herself. She really didn’t know what was stopping her – maybe she was still annoyed with him for not being able to take a joke… or with herself for not realizing that a simple comment like that would be enough to – oh why the hell did she keep trying to justify herself? She dropped the phone onto the bed beside her and covered her face with her hands.
You idiot. He paid you a compliment. Clumsily, yes, but a compliment nonetheless. And you might just as well have slapped him in the face.
She picked up her phone again and promised herself that she really would go through with it this time – when it rang. She sighed when she saw the caller ID. Will. So much for the early night.
“Hey…”
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Donna didn’t see Josh at all the next day. She knew from Will that he’d been at the White House for a meeting about arrangements for the convention, and she’d been surprised to discover that Leo had been given the task of trying to get everyone to pull together and present a united front. Although she supposed that if there was anyone who could actually crack enough heads to achieve that, it would be Leo – God knew, she’d heard him threaten Josh with a two-by-four and a trip to the woodshed often enough. She’d had a fairly busy day – she’d ended up practically staffing Russell whilst Will was out – not that she’d had anything too taxing to do, she’d just had to be around, really, to supervise a few meetings, answer any questions he might have… but at least it had kept her on her toes and more importantly, kept her from thinking about last night. Well, had kept her from thinking about it too much, anyway. But occasionally, it would creep up on her unawares - I meant Will - and she’d find herself dwelling on what she’d said and Josh’s reaction, and took to alternately blaming him for being over sensitive, and blaming herself for having been so insensitive in the first place.
After she’d briefed Will on the meetings she’d sat in on and any other bits and pieces she thought he needed to know about and he’d given her an outline of what had happened at the meeting with Leo, Donna finally managed to get some time to herself and headed to her room, trying to get excited over the prospect of room service (again) and an old movie on TV. She was about to run herself a bath when the phone rang. This time, the name on the caller ID wasn’t an unwelcome one.
“Hey.”
She smiled. “Hi.”
“How you doin’?”
“I’m okay…” she hoped she didn’t sound too much like a schoolgirl who’d been waiting all week for the boy she liked to call. “You?”
Hearing Josh sigh heavily, she pictured him running his hand through his hair and pulling the face he made when he was trying to make up his mind about something.
“I - Leo and the President want me to tell the Congressman to accept Russell’s offer.”
“They what?” Donna couldn’t hide the surprise in her voice. It was typical of Josh to launch straight into a conversation, but she hadn’t expected this.
“They want him to accept the VP slot so the party can present a unified front at the convention.”
Donna wasn’t quite sure what to do. She was delighted that Josh felt able to talk to her so frankly about this, but was also wondering whether it was a good idea, given their current situations.
“Should you – I mean, should we… be talking about this?”
There was a pause.
“I’m sorry – you’re right, it’s putting you in an awkward position -“
“No, Josh – that doesn’t matter; it’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you –“
“Okay.”
When he didn’t say anything more or disconnect the call, she asked -
“What did you say?”
“I told Leo we were still … considering it.”
From the way his speech sounded, Donna figured Josh was pacing about restlessly. He’d never been good at sitting still for long; she’d often wondered how there weren’t tracks in the carpet in his office around the side of the desk his phone sat on given the way he used to wander around when he was deep in conversation with someone.
“So… are you?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re not happy about it.”
“No.”
There was another long pause.
“Josh?” Donna took a deep breath. “You know that whatever you tell me… it’ll stay here, right?” she said, softly.
“I know.” At those words, she felt suddenly as if a weight that had been sitting somewhere around her chest had eased. Despite everything, he still trusted her, and it meant a great deal to her to know it.
“There’s not a lot more to tell, actually. I know Russell’s been talking to Baker as back up in case we turn him down.”
Donna didn’t know what to say. Of course, she knew that Baker had been lined up as a fall-back option, and of course it would be impossible to keep something like that quiet – especially from Josh who had sources everywhere.
“I’m sorry, Josh, I couldn’t -“
“It’s okay, Donna,” he said quietly. “I understand. Hell, I’d probably have suggested the same thing in that situation.”
“He’s just… hedging his bets.”
“Maybe not what I’d call it, but yeah.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“What can I do?” Josh sounded agitated. “I’ve got Leo and the President leaning on me, Russell practically forcing my hand – I told Santos he had to find a way to accept the offer.”
Donna didn’t say anything. After all, what was there to say? She knew what Josh had given up for this, knew that there was no way he’d gotten into this other than to win. And she knew how frustrated he must be that Leo and the President were asking - no, telling - him to do this.
“Josh… I – I’m so sorry…”
She heard him chuckle softly. “It’s not your fault the Democratic Convention could end up looking like a pie fight.”
Donna smiled. “Speaking of pie…”
“What?”
“I’m hungry. You – um – want to get some dinner?”
“I – I don’t think –“ he began, hesitantly, “I mean, maybe…” and then the words tumbled out quickly, “maybe it’s not a good idea tonight, I mean, considering … tomorrow… and I have to brief the Congressman –“
Donna couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed. And concerned that he was still smarting after her thoughtless comment last night and didn’t want to open himself up to another one.
“Oh. No, it’s okay – I understand-“
“But tomorrow night, maybe?”
Donna tried very hard to keep the relief out of her voice. “Tomorrow? Tomorrow would be good.”
She could hear the laughter in his tone now, and really wished she could see his smile.
“Okay… You’re not gonna ply me with drink and try to get campaign secrets out of me, are you?”
“Josh, I wouldn’t have to ply you with drink – we both know you’re putty in my hands after a yoo-hoo!”
Donna heard him spluttering as he was suddenly overwhelmed by a fit of coughing.
“Are you okay?”
“Uh… yeah… I just… I’m fine.”
Silence descended once more.
“Well…”
“Yeah. It’s getting late; I should let you get to sleep.”
“Okay…” and then, before she could think about it sufficiently enough to back out, she said, “Josh?”
“Hm?”
Donna took a deep breath. “Um… I just wanted to… uh, what I said before. In the bar. I meant you. You know that, right?”
She expected him to tease her, make a joke, but he didn’t. Hearing him sigh softly - with what she hoped was acceptance - she allowed herself the tiniest of smiles. “Okay, then.”
When Josh didn’t say any more, she said simply, “Goodnight.”
“’Night, Donna.”
She disconnected the call and stood there, staring at the phone with a smile on her face for a few seconds.
Boy, have you got it bad…
“Tell me something I don’t know…” she muttered under her breath, before picking up the phone to dial room service.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Donna didn’t really know whether to be shocked or not when Russell informed her and Will that Santos had turned down the offer of the VP slot.
Will had asked her a couple of days ago what she thought Josh’s advice about the offer was likely to be and she hadn’t been deliberately evasive when she’d said she had no idea – she really hadn’t known what Josh would do – although of course that hadn’t stopped her thinking about the possibilities.
To tell the truth, at that point, she hadn’t really been able to see Josh wanting Santos to accept the offer. She knew what he thought of Russell, and despite the advantages that would accrue to Santos – the biggest one possibly being that it would set him up for another Presidential run in four years – Josh had gotten into this to win, because he believed he’d found ‘the guy’ for the job. And he wasn’t the type to settle unless he had absolutely no alternative. Although it would seem from what he’d told her last night on the phone that he was pretty much in that position right now. Leo and the President had made it clear what was expected of him, and for Josh to go against their wishes? Well, that would be unprecedented.
The Congressman had arrived with Josh that morning and she’d still been uncertain. Josh was nervous – that much was clear from his attempt at a joke – which, now she came to think of it, had actually been funny in an absurd way, although it hadn’t seemed particularly so at the time – and it occurred to her then that he wasn’t really sure what the outcome was going to be either.
So the three of them – her, Will and Josh – had sat there in an awkward silence whilst Russell and Santos were talking in the other room; she’d been about to offer Josh some coffee, but had thought better of it – he was already on edge and if she’d done that it would probably have induced a minor nutty, so she’d refrained. And in any case, it wasn’t long before the doors opened and Santos strode out, bidding them a curt good morning before disappearing into the hallway, Josh in his wake.
So now, it was full steam ahead with Eric Baker, and she’d spent the rest of the day in a buzz of activity helping Will, organizing and attending meetings, as well as giving her normal daily round of briefings and issuing press releases. She hadn’t had a lot of time to herself to consider what the implications of the decision might be for Josh – but one thing she did know was that he clearly had a tough meeting ahead of him.
At about 6 o’clock, she picked up a voicemail message from him saying that he’d be heading to the White House shortly and that he’d call her when he could. That was it. Typical Josh. No mention of their plans, no – Donna pulled herself up sharply. This wasn’t some new boyfriend – it was Josh. They were friends, there hadn’t really been any plans as such – she remembered a “maybe” somewhere in the conversation – and then remembered what he would probably be facing when he got to the White House and started feeling guilty about being petty. He’d said he’d call when he could and given the kind of day he was having (which was probably about to get worse) she guessed it was kind of surprising that he’d remembered their tentative arrangements at all.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
It was just after eight-thirty when Josh called to say he’d meet her downstairs in the bar in 10 minutes.
Donna arrived first, settled herself in a corner seat and was debating whether to order a drink or wait for him when he breezed in.
“Sorry - I couldn’t get away earlier, I got held up at the -" he stopped suddenly and smiled at her.
“It’s okay, Josh,” she smiled back, “I just got here, really, and I know things are crazy, so…” she realized she was chattering and tailed off, “it’s not a problem. I haven’t ordered anything yet – do you want a drink?”
“What are you having?”
“White wine’s fine.”
Josh went to the bar and returned quickly with their drinks. He handed hers to her and put his on the table as he sat down and loosened his tie, staring around the room absently. Donna took the opportunity to look at him properly. He still looked tired, which she’d expected – hell, they all looked pretty beat these days, but there was something else about him, something different that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. And it was something positive. That night in DC after the gala, Josh had been exhausted, dejected and pretty miserable – there’d been the fuss over Rafferty, his altercation with Toby, his feelings of isolation, but now… sure, he was tired and despite the smile he’d given her, still not all that happy, but he had a - there was something in his eyes, in the set of his shoulders that was different – in a good way.
But nevertheless, Josh didn’t seem willing to start a conversation – she could see he was pretty deep inside his own head right now, and she was fairly sure she knew why. After Santos had turned down Russell’s offer, Josh would have been the one to tell Leo about it. That couldn’t have been an easy meeting.
Donna glanced over at him to see that he was staring down at the table and set down her drink. “So… you’ve seen Leo,” she said, non-committally.
“Yeah.” Josh spoke quietly, fixing his gaze on a point somewhere half way across the room; Donna could see the muscle in his jaw clench – a sure sign that things had not gone well.
“How did it go?”
“I told him Santos turned Russell down.”
“And?”
“What do you mean, ‘and’?”
She made an exasperated sound. “I mean, what did he say, Josh?”
“What do you think he said?” Josh spat bitterly. “He was pretty pissed and insisted I had to get the Congressman to change his mind and take the deal.”
Donna knew that Josh wasn’t angry with her. He was frustrated, he was annoyed (with Leo, the President, but even more with himself, probably) and, she guessed, feeling more shut out than ever. When they’d talked the last time, after his disagreement with Toby, she’d fathomed that one of the things that was really at the root of Josh’s discontent was the fact that he felt cut off from his friends – or rather, that they were purposefully shutting him out. But this? She knew that Leo and President Bartlet were probably doing what they thought was best for the party and ultimately for the country by trying to avoid the public embarrassment that would be caused by what Josh had termed a ‘pie fight’ at the Convention. But surely, they couldn’t think that Bob Russell could win the election with Arnold Vinick as his opponent? She remembered what she’d said to Josh about the Senator from California all those months ago;
“You have a year to talk me out of voting for him.”
To tell the truth, she didn’t know whether Matt Santos had a chance of beating Vinick either, but she did recognize a better man when she saw one. And with Josh running his campaign - Josh, whose instincts hadn’t failed him yet – well, Donna had learned not to bet against those a long time ago.
“So what did you do?”
“I told him no. I said I was wrong to have even considered it in the first place.” Josh sat forward in his seat and rested his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together as he stared at the floor.
“Thing is,” he began hesitantly, looking up, “what if it’s the wrong decision, Donna? What if all I’ve done is to split the party and hand Vinick the election? What if-?”
“Josh,” Donna leaned towards him and covered his hands with one of hers. “You’ve done the right thing. You know you have.”
Josh looked at her then, a small, rueful smile on his face. As Donna smiled shyly back, she realized that she was gently rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand. Suddenly embarrassed, she attempted to pull back but Josh caught her hand in one of his and gave it a gentle squeeze before letting it go and sitting back in his chair.
Donna sipped her drink quietly, wondering when she’d acquired a stampeding herd of bison in the pit of her stomach. Her mind flew back (again) to the conversation she and Josh had had those few short months ago and then recalled the somewhat stilted phone conversations they’d had recently. Yes, she knew how bad Josh was at this – and being honest, she knew she wasn’t much better - but still, she’d hoped for something, some sort of sign that he hadn’t forgotten what they’d begun to acknowledge that night, or that he remembered what it felt like to kiss her. She got the feeling that he was drawing back from her and it was alternately pissing her off and scaring the crap out of her. Because she sure as hell remembered what it felt like to kiss him.
The sound of his voice snapped her out of her reflection. “You hungry?”
She sighed. “Not really… you?”
“Nah – I’m too…” she thought he looked and sounded a little disappointed. “I don’t really feel like eating.”
“Want to go for a walk? It’s a nice evening.”
“You sure you can afford to be seen with me?” Josh smiled at her. “I mean, Will must be pretty pissed about Santos turning Russell down.”
Donna shook her head. “You know, he’s not – not really.”
She knew what this was – Josh’s protective streak was still clearly functioning at full capacity, but she didn’t think anyone from the campaign would be calling for her resignation because she’d been seen talking to Santos’ campaign manager. It wasn’t unusual for friends who were of the same political persuasion to find themselves working on opposing sides from time to time, and anyway, Will had been quite happy to try to exploit her relationship with Josh a couple of days ago, so it shouldn’t bother him.
“Honestly, I think he’s surprised, more than anything,” she continued. “And in any case, I’m a big girl, Josh - I can choose my own friends.”
His eyebrows would have disappeared into his hairline if they’d been able to climb that far.
“Okay.”
They finished their drinks and left the bar, Donna feeling the comforting, light pressure of Josh’s hand at her back guiding her through the lobby and out into the night. Once they were outside, he stuffed both hands into his pockets and fell easily into step beside her. They walked in silence for a few minutes, Donna thinking all the while about how difficult it must have been for Josh to say ‘no’ to Leo.
There was something else too… She was impressed. And proud. God knew, there had been times during their estrangement when she thought she’d never have the opportunity to tell him that again. Because feeling proud of Josh wasn’t something new. Oh, she’d been careful not to tell him too often – but it was a feeling that had become quite familiar to her in her time at the White House. There were so many pieces of legislation he’d written or seen through Congress over the past seven years that had benefited millions of people. What was there not to be proud of? But this… this was different entirely. Turning down a request (or rather, she thought, an order) from Leo? It seemed to her that this was some sort of turning point for Josh; she knew how much Leo meant to him, how hard he’d striven to be the guy he counted on. Having to tell him ‘no’ must have been one of the hardest things he’d ever done.
And it was then that Donna realized, with a sudden rush of clarity, what it was about Josh that had seemed different to her. Buried somewhere under layers of irritation and disappointment was the determination, self-respect and confidence that she hadn’t seen in him for quite some time. She smiled to herself, knowing how many people would dismiss the idea that Joshua Lyman had ever been lacking in determination or confidence; but they didn’t know him the way she did; they hadn’t seen him at his lowest ebb or at moments when the rug had been pulled out from under his feet, or when a gambit hadn’t paid off. When he’d made a mistake, and he’d taken whatever reprimand had been doled out to him without a word, because he’d not measured up to the standard he’d set himself - because he’d let down Leo and, by extension, the President.
It never ceased to amaze her that Josh somehow managed to find something, some inner resource that kept him going in the face of things that would have caused a lesser man to give up. It wasn’t ambition and it wasn’t ego – although she knew there were many who would dispute that fact – it was that he had this innate need to do the right thing. For others. Rarely for himself.
The bluster, the much vaunted arrogance was the front he presented to the world – behind that was a caring man who would work himself into the ground for something and someone he believed in. He’d done it for eight years for the President and now he was doing it for another man he believed would serve the country well in that office.
And he was doing it alone. Well, not strictly speaking, but he was on his own in the one sense that really mattered to him. His closest friends were doing nothing to help him; and now, to cap it all he was disappointed in Leo and the President and thought that he’d let them down in turn.
Of course, Josh being Josh, he was probably beating himself up about what he’d had to do that evening. Probably? There was no doubt about it – it was a typically ‘him’ thing to do. Glancing over at him, she realized he was miles away – brooding. So she cast about for something to say that would bring him back and enable her to talk him out of his funk.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I know Leo’s been like a – well that he’s important to you, but I still can’t believe he asked you to … ask your guy to throw the fight!”
Her remark had the desired result - Josh grinned.
“Breaking out the sports metaphors, now?”
Donna waved her hand impatiently. “If the shoe fits…”
Josh sighed heavily and scrubbed his hand across his face.
“Oh, God, you should’ve seen the look on his face…” He tipped his head back and heaved a sigh. “It’s just so… I mean, he practically threw me out of the White House and told me to go find my guy. And I did that. I did what he asked me to do - I got on a plane, I went to Texas to ask Santos to –“ he stopped walking suddenly and chuckled. “No wonder Helen hates me. Turning up on their doorstep a couple of days before Christmas and dropping that on them all.”
Donna had gone on a couple of paces and turned back to face him, an incredulous frown starting to make its way across her face.
A couple of days before..?
She walked back to stand in front of him. “You just… flew down there – right before Christmas?”
His eyes flicked to hers for a split second before he dropped his gaze and started kicking at a non-existent – something – on the sidewalk. After a lengthy pause, he said, “Yeah. The day after you…” he faltered as Donna made the connection. She’d stood in the middle of the bullpen that day and given Josh some crap about honor and privilege, and the next day he’d been on a plane, organizing his own departure.
Well. She didn’t really know whether to read anything into that or not.
“I came back to the office and you weren’t there,” he said quietly. “There was… someone else sitting in your chair and I… it felt - leaving the White House suddenly didn’t seem like such a… difficult thing to do.”
Donna gaped at him. Guess that answers that question…
He put his hand on her arm and took a step closer as he looked at her intently, his eyes searching her face for confirmation that she understood what he was telling her. She returned his gaze, lifting her hand tentatively to graze his cheek with her fingers. She did understand - and it was enough to make her head spin. Never in a million years would it have even entered her mind to consider that her quitting might have factored into Josh’s decision to leave the White House. Oh, she knew it would have taken more than that; his loyalty to the President and the party – Leo had all but pushed him out the door in any case – but she hadn’t expected to have played a part in it at all.
And the fact that she had… well, that would take some time to process.
She smiled at him, reassuringly, and ran her hand down his arm, taking his hand and lacing his fingers with hers. He smiled back at her a little shyly, and they resumed their walk – hands now clasped firmly together.
They walked as far as Dupont Circle, then turned - and as they began retrace their steps, Josh said quietly, “I saw Toby today.”
Donna didn’t know what to say, other than, “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Josh scratched the back of his head. “Don’t worry; we didn’t come to blows in the Oval or anything like that.”
“That wasn’t my first concern, actually. How is he?”
“I – we didn’t… he seemed okay. I was waiting for Leo outside the Mural Room, Toby came in and we just… well, to be honest we didn’t say much.”
“That I can believe.”
“He did say he thought I’d done okay without him, though.”
Donna thought about that for a moment. For a man who was able to write so eloquently, Toby could be surprisingly taciturn. But she’d figured out pretty early on that it often had a lot to do with economy – he chose his words carefully and well, and used them precisely; for him to have made that admission to Josh… well, it was the equivalent of a three-page letter of apology from anyone else.
She glanced at Josh. “Well, it’s true - you have…”
He pulled a face. “I know, but… it’s not the same.”
“Did you really think it would be? It’s like I said in the spring, Josh, things change, people change; nothing stays the same for ever. You went out and did what you had to do. And if it works out… well, then there are going to be a large number of people who’ll be grateful that you did - Toby among them, I would think.”
He sighed. “I guess…” Donna let go of his hand and linked her arm through his instead, giving it a little squeeze.
They walked on in silence and were only a couple of blocks from the hotel when Donna spoke again, trying to keep her tone of voice fairly light.
“You know - there’s something I… you said back in New Hampshire that I was on the wrong campaign…”
“Donna –“
“No, let me say this, please. You weren’t wrong. Russell’s not the guy. You were right about that.”
Josh turned his head to look at her quizzically.
"Don't," she warned.
"Don't what?"
"Gloat. Don't gloat."
“I wasn’t, I was…”
“What?”
“Just… surprised, is all.”
“Surprised that I think that, or that I’d actually say it out loud?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Both, I think.”
“But,” she went on earnestly, “I needed to do this. I needed to –“
He waved a hand and looked away. “I know, Donna. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t the one to – to help you do what you needed.”
“Well, maybe I should have done more about that. I didn’t have to stay in my job all those years, Josh. I could have found another job any time – but I didn’t. It was probably silly of me to expect to be able to move on and stay in the same place all at once.”
He frowned. “Okay, that makes no sense.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “You know what I mean –“
“Occasionally.”
She said nothing.
“Okay, yeah, I do. But,” he continued, “I guess I could’ve… I don’t know, done something to help. Found you what you wanted, or at least-“
“Josh. It wasn’t up to you. In the end it was up to me and it took me too long to realize it. And of course, I was scared.”
He shot her a puzzled look and stopped walking. Unwinding her hand from his arm, she turned to face him.
“I mean, it was a big step. I’d been with you for nearly eight years,” she realized once she’d said it that she didn’t say ‘in my job’, or ‘working for you’ – “and the thought of just going, of - leaving you - well, it was terrifying. But after,” she swallowed, “Gaza, I realized things had to change. I wasn’t the same any more. It was a wake up call - like I’d been handed a second chance, and I knew I had to do something with it. I didn’t want to spend my life as your assistant. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I loved my job, I loved working for you; but I’m not Margaret, or Debbie, or Mrs Landingham – they’re wonderful women, able women and I admire them hugely – but that’s not who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be your Margaret – devoted to you but not –“ she pulled up sharply.
This was heading into territory she wasn’t sure either of them was ready for yet. When they’d had dinner that night - the last time they’d had a chance to talk to each other properly - they’d started to re-build their friendship and admit (very vaguely) that maybe friendship wasn’t all they wanted from each other now. But that was as far as they’d gone – and since then, neither of them had said anything more about it.
She risked a glance at Josh, who was smiling at her gently, his eyes filled with warmth and… was that pride?
“Not for nothing… but I didn’t want you to be my Margaret either,” he said quietly, as he stepped closer and took her hand again.
“Well, I doubt Leo ever did that to Margaret,” she grinned.
Josh groaned. “Please - just don’t go there – you’ll short-circuit my brain.”
Donna chuckled. “Okay.”
They walked on.
Cont. in Part Two.
Being anally retentive about that sort of thing, I proofed it myself, so any mistakes are mine!
Category/Pairing: J/D –romance/angst (little bit!) and mush.
Spoilers: Up to Things Fall Apart, S6.
Rating: PG
A/N: This is the sequel to my earlier Theory of Evolution. It probably helps to have read that first...
Well, I guess given what I had happen at the end of Theory, we’re firmly in AU land now, but there were still some issues I wanted to explore, so I decided to try to run the non-canon romance alongside canon events – specifically those of Things Fall Apart. I hope it works!
I might also have taken a slight liberty with the timing of one of the events in the episode – but for the purposes of the story, I decided that Josh’s meeting with Leo when he informs him that Santos rejected Russell’s offer of the VP slot took place a little earlier in the day than it appears to have done.
From Evolution, you’ll know I’m in the camp who believes Donna was a bit mean to Josh back in the earlier part of S6 - this is just my interpretation of her actions and motives.
A/N 2: Thanks as usual to my tres amigos -
quaggy_mire, coloneljack and Chai for their constant encouragement and helpful suggestions. There were times when I was so fed up at the sight of this fic that I felt like kicking it into the middle of next week, but they all talked me down at one time or another… so if it sucks, you can blame them!! (kidding!)A/N 3: Before you ask… no, I’m not leaving it there. ;)
The Process of Evolution
“How'd you get so smart about this?”
“I had a good teacher.”
“Thanks.”
“I meant Will.”
Why on earth had she said that? She’d meant it as a joke – of course she had – but she’d glanced back as she’d left the bar, seen the expression on Josh’s face and realized that maybe he hadn’t taken it that way. Or at any rate, that he hadn’t known how to take it at all.
Damn.
So much for the whole ‘evolving friendship’ thing she thought they’d had going since that dinner in DC back in the spring.
Donna kept walking determinedly until she reached the elevator, scowling at the closed doors as she pushed the call button repeatedly. What the hell was up with Josh these days? If she couldn’t even crack a little joke like that around him because he was going to take it the wrong way – oh, it was ridiculous. Josh Lyman had a sensitive side? She snorted. No one would believe that! Although of course, it was true, and she, better than anybody, knew it.
She hadn’t forgotten. And she hadn’t forgotten the things they’d talked about that night, after the DNC gala. But things were looking so much better for Santos now than they had back then. He’d won major primaries; he was gaining momentum all the time, which had led to the offer that Russell had made yesterday – to join his ticket as the presumptive Vice-Presidential candidate.
It was an amazing feat, she thought as the elevator finally arrived. Josh had taken an obscure congressman from Texas and made him quite possibly the next Vice President of the United States.
But she’d been right when she’d speculated that in fact, the names should have been reversed. She’d worked for Russell long enough to know that he wasn’t really presidential material. If she was honest with herself, she’d known it the day she started working on the campaign – even before that. She knew he (like Hoynes) had been courting Josh – and that if Josh had believed that either of them was the right man for the job, he would have been running one of their campaigns right now. And the fact that he’d left the White House before the end of the term because he believed that Congressman Santos was the right man to lead the country told her a lot. He’d left the job he’d wanted all his life and a man – two men – he respected and admired to run a dark horse campaign because of that conviction. It was the sort of leap of faith which would have been a major decision for anyone - but for Josh… well, Josh didn’t leave people. And the fact that he’d done it for Matthew Santos – said a lot about Matthew Santos.
So, she’d been right about the ticket, and she’d been right about having had a good teacher. She’d just misjudged Josh’s reaction somewhat – and now she was pissed. With him for being so uptight about it, and with herself for saying it in the first place. And with both of them for making something which should have been so simple into such hard work.
But she’d felt so comfortable just sitting there talking with him – it had been almost like old times in a way, finishing each other’s sentences, knowing what the other was going to say before they’d said it, and she’d made a teasing comment, expecting him to laugh it off or to throw a well-judged comeback straight back at her. But he hadn’t.
How could he? You didn’t give him a chance.
Donna didn’t want to think about that as she stepped out of the elevator and headed towards her room. Sliding her keycard into the lock, she entered, switched on the light and kicked off her shoes before taking off her jacket and plopping down on the bed.
It had been over three months since they’d had dinner in DC, and they hadn’t been able to find any time to spend together since. Donna supposed it wasn’t all that surprising, given the way things were going – as things geared up for the convention all the candidates had been rushing from state to state on an almost daily basis. The last time she’d seen Josh to speak to had been in DC on the day of the stem-cell vote – and then he’d had to rush off to Atlanta and she’d remained in Washington. They’d spoken on the phone every few days, their conversations had been… friendly, but no more than that; they hadn’t touched on anything that had been said (or done) that night in DC and Donna was actually beginning to wonder whether any of it had happened at all.
She shouldn’t be surprised, she supposed. That could be seen as an encapsulation of their entire relationship in a way – one step forward, two steps back. It was what they did – as soon as anything looked like it was going to go in a direction which would mean they might have to actually admit that their feelings for each other could just possibly extend beyond the professional or beyond mere friendship – they both ran in the opposite direction, ignoring, evading and denying for all they were worth. But that was back when she’d been Josh’s assistant, and there had been professional, as well as personal reasons which had kept them apart. But now, the professional reasons didn’t exist - although she guessed that maybe the press spokesperson for one candidate becoming involved with the campaign manager for another could be seen as a conflict of interest. And she thought that they’d begun to address some of the personal reasons behind the stalemate in which they’d found themselves back in the spring. Yet they still seemed to be in some kind of weird holding pattern.
After a few minutes, she got up, pulled an old t-shirt and pair of boxers out of a drawer and headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
Brushing her teeth, she admitted to herself that it wasn’t all Josh’s fault. She hadn’t been particularly forthcoming about that night, either. She’d deliberately kept her side of their conversations since then fairly lighthearted; they’d shared a few jokes, a bit of gossip here and there and even managed to tease each other a little, but neither of them had touched on those tentative admissions they’d made about what they’d wanted but hadn’t been able to make happen. Maybe it was because those sorts of conversation were better had in person, which, given their schedules, didn't happen often – or maybe it was just because there was so much going on with the campaigns that it was difficult to focus on anything else. She knew how single-minded Josh could be – it was one of the things that made him so good at what he did – and now he had a goal in sight, much closer than it had been a few of months ago, so she guessed it was only to be expected that he’d be wholly occupied with that. And to be honest, she was pretty single-minded herself these days…
Gets people wishing the names were reversed…
… or she would be, if it weren’t for the nagging doubts at the back of her mind. Well, not so much at the back, as her conversation with Josh had proved.
Finished in the bathroom, she turned off the light, then moved to sit on the edge of the bed and picked up her cell phone, staring at it for a moment as if will-power alone could make it ring. Twice she almost punched in Josh’s number… and twice she stopped herself. She really didn’t know what was stopping her – maybe she was still annoyed with him for not being able to take a joke… or with herself for not realizing that a simple comment like that would be enough to – oh why the hell did she keep trying to justify herself? She dropped the phone onto the bed beside her and covered her face with her hands.
You idiot. He paid you a compliment. Clumsily, yes, but a compliment nonetheless. And you might just as well have slapped him in the face.
She picked up her phone again and promised herself that she really would go through with it this time – when it rang. She sighed when she saw the caller ID. Will. So much for the early night.
“Hey…”
Donna didn’t see Josh at all the next day. She knew from Will that he’d been at the White House for a meeting about arrangements for the convention, and she’d been surprised to discover that Leo had been given the task of trying to get everyone to pull together and present a united front. Although she supposed that if there was anyone who could actually crack enough heads to achieve that, it would be Leo – God knew, she’d heard him threaten Josh with a two-by-four and a trip to the woodshed often enough. She’d had a fairly busy day – she’d ended up practically staffing Russell whilst Will was out – not that she’d had anything too taxing to do, she’d just had to be around, really, to supervise a few meetings, answer any questions he might have… but at least it had kept her on her toes and more importantly, kept her from thinking about last night. Well, had kept her from thinking about it too much, anyway. But occasionally, it would creep up on her unawares - I meant Will - and she’d find herself dwelling on what she’d said and Josh’s reaction, and took to alternately blaming him for being over sensitive, and blaming herself for having been so insensitive in the first place.
After she’d briefed Will on the meetings she’d sat in on and any other bits and pieces she thought he needed to know about and he’d given her an outline of what had happened at the meeting with Leo, Donna finally managed to get some time to herself and headed to her room, trying to get excited over the prospect of room service (again) and an old movie on TV. She was about to run herself a bath when the phone rang. This time, the name on the caller ID wasn’t an unwelcome one.
“Hey.”
She smiled. “Hi.”
“How you doin’?”
“I’m okay…” she hoped she didn’t sound too much like a schoolgirl who’d been waiting all week for the boy she liked to call. “You?”
Hearing Josh sigh heavily, she pictured him running his hand through his hair and pulling the face he made when he was trying to make up his mind about something.
“I - Leo and the President want me to tell the Congressman to accept Russell’s offer.”
“They what?” Donna couldn’t hide the surprise in her voice. It was typical of Josh to launch straight into a conversation, but she hadn’t expected this.
“They want him to accept the VP slot so the party can present a unified front at the convention.”
Donna wasn’t quite sure what to do. She was delighted that Josh felt able to talk to her so frankly about this, but was also wondering whether it was a good idea, given their current situations.
“Should you – I mean, should we… be talking about this?”
There was a pause.
“I’m sorry – you’re right, it’s putting you in an awkward position -“
“No, Josh – that doesn’t matter; it’s fine. I just wanted to make sure you –“
“Okay.”
When he didn’t say anything more or disconnect the call, she asked -
“What did you say?”
“I told Leo we were still … considering it.”
From the way his speech sounded, Donna figured Josh was pacing about restlessly. He’d never been good at sitting still for long; she’d often wondered how there weren’t tracks in the carpet in his office around the side of the desk his phone sat on given the way he used to wander around when he was deep in conversation with someone.
“So… are you?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re not happy about it.”
“No.”
There was another long pause.
“Josh?” Donna took a deep breath. “You know that whatever you tell me… it’ll stay here, right?” she said, softly.
“I know.” At those words, she felt suddenly as if a weight that had been sitting somewhere around her chest had eased. Despite everything, he still trusted her, and it meant a great deal to her to know it.
“There’s not a lot more to tell, actually. I know Russell’s been talking to Baker as back up in case we turn him down.”
Donna didn’t know what to say. Of course, she knew that Baker had been lined up as a fall-back option, and of course it would be impossible to keep something like that quiet – especially from Josh who had sources everywhere.
“I’m sorry, Josh, I couldn’t -“
“It’s okay, Donna,” he said quietly. “I understand. Hell, I’d probably have suggested the same thing in that situation.”
“He’s just… hedging his bets.”
“Maybe not what I’d call it, but yeah.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“What can I do?” Josh sounded agitated. “I’ve got Leo and the President leaning on me, Russell practically forcing my hand – I told Santos he had to find a way to accept the offer.”
Donna didn’t say anything. After all, what was there to say? She knew what Josh had given up for this, knew that there was no way he’d gotten into this other than to win. And she knew how frustrated he must be that Leo and the President were asking - no, telling - him to do this.
“Josh… I – I’m so sorry…”
She heard him chuckle softly. “It’s not your fault the Democratic Convention could end up looking like a pie fight.”
Donna smiled. “Speaking of pie…”
“What?”
“I’m hungry. You – um – want to get some dinner?”
“I – I don’t think –“ he began, hesitantly, “I mean, maybe…” and then the words tumbled out quickly, “maybe it’s not a good idea tonight, I mean, considering … tomorrow… and I have to brief the Congressman –“
Donna couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed. And concerned that he was still smarting after her thoughtless comment last night and didn’t want to open himself up to another one.
“Oh. No, it’s okay – I understand-“
“But tomorrow night, maybe?”
Donna tried very hard to keep the relief out of her voice. “Tomorrow? Tomorrow would be good.”
She could hear the laughter in his tone now, and really wished she could see his smile.
“Okay… You’re not gonna ply me with drink and try to get campaign secrets out of me, are you?”
“Josh, I wouldn’t have to ply you with drink – we both know you’re putty in my hands after a yoo-hoo!”
Donna heard him spluttering as he was suddenly overwhelmed by a fit of coughing.
“Are you okay?”
“Uh… yeah… I just… I’m fine.”
Silence descended once more.
“Well…”
“Yeah. It’s getting late; I should let you get to sleep.”
“Okay…” and then, before she could think about it sufficiently enough to back out, she said, “Josh?”
“Hm?”
Donna took a deep breath. “Um… I just wanted to… uh, what I said before. In the bar. I meant you. You know that, right?”
She expected him to tease her, make a joke, but he didn’t. Hearing him sigh softly - with what she hoped was acceptance - she allowed herself the tiniest of smiles. “Okay, then.”
When Josh didn’t say any more, she said simply, “Goodnight.”
“’Night, Donna.”
She disconnected the call and stood there, staring at the phone with a smile on her face for a few seconds.
Boy, have you got it bad…
“Tell me something I don’t know…” she muttered under her breath, before picking up the phone to dial room service.
Donna didn’t really know whether to be shocked or not when Russell informed her and Will that Santos had turned down the offer of the VP slot.
Will had asked her a couple of days ago what she thought Josh’s advice about the offer was likely to be and she hadn’t been deliberately evasive when she’d said she had no idea – she really hadn’t known what Josh would do – although of course that hadn’t stopped her thinking about the possibilities.
To tell the truth, at that point, she hadn’t really been able to see Josh wanting Santos to accept the offer. She knew what he thought of Russell, and despite the advantages that would accrue to Santos – the biggest one possibly being that it would set him up for another Presidential run in four years – Josh had gotten into this to win, because he believed he’d found ‘the guy’ for the job. And he wasn’t the type to settle unless he had absolutely no alternative. Although it would seem from what he’d told her last night on the phone that he was pretty much in that position right now. Leo and the President had made it clear what was expected of him, and for Josh to go against their wishes? Well, that would be unprecedented.
The Congressman had arrived with Josh that morning and she’d still been uncertain. Josh was nervous – that much was clear from his attempt at a joke – which, now she came to think of it, had actually been funny in an absurd way, although it hadn’t seemed particularly so at the time – and it occurred to her then that he wasn’t really sure what the outcome was going to be either.
So the three of them – her, Will and Josh – had sat there in an awkward silence whilst Russell and Santos were talking in the other room; she’d been about to offer Josh some coffee, but had thought better of it – he was already on edge and if she’d done that it would probably have induced a minor nutty, so she’d refrained. And in any case, it wasn’t long before the doors opened and Santos strode out, bidding them a curt good morning before disappearing into the hallway, Josh in his wake.
So now, it was full steam ahead with Eric Baker, and she’d spent the rest of the day in a buzz of activity helping Will, organizing and attending meetings, as well as giving her normal daily round of briefings and issuing press releases. She hadn’t had a lot of time to herself to consider what the implications of the decision might be for Josh – but one thing she did know was that he clearly had a tough meeting ahead of him.
At about 6 o’clock, she picked up a voicemail message from him saying that he’d be heading to the White House shortly and that he’d call her when he could. That was it. Typical Josh. No mention of their plans, no – Donna pulled herself up sharply. This wasn’t some new boyfriend – it was Josh. They were friends, there hadn’t really been any plans as such – she remembered a “maybe” somewhere in the conversation – and then remembered what he would probably be facing when he got to the White House and started feeling guilty about being petty. He’d said he’d call when he could and given the kind of day he was having (which was probably about to get worse) she guessed it was kind of surprising that he’d remembered their tentative arrangements at all.
It was just after eight-thirty when Josh called to say he’d meet her downstairs in the bar in 10 minutes.
Donna arrived first, settled herself in a corner seat and was debating whether to order a drink or wait for him when he breezed in.
“Sorry - I couldn’t get away earlier, I got held up at the -" he stopped suddenly and smiled at her.
“It’s okay, Josh,” she smiled back, “I just got here, really, and I know things are crazy, so…” she realized she was chattering and tailed off, “it’s not a problem. I haven’t ordered anything yet – do you want a drink?”
“What are you having?”
“White wine’s fine.”
Josh went to the bar and returned quickly with their drinks. He handed hers to her and put his on the table as he sat down and loosened his tie, staring around the room absently. Donna took the opportunity to look at him properly. He still looked tired, which she’d expected – hell, they all looked pretty beat these days, but there was something else about him, something different that she couldn’t quite pinpoint. And it was something positive. That night in DC after the gala, Josh had been exhausted, dejected and pretty miserable – there’d been the fuss over Rafferty, his altercation with Toby, his feelings of isolation, but now… sure, he was tired and despite the smile he’d given her, still not all that happy, but he had a - there was something in his eyes, in the set of his shoulders that was different – in a good way.
But nevertheless, Josh didn’t seem willing to start a conversation – she could see he was pretty deep inside his own head right now, and she was fairly sure she knew why. After Santos had turned down Russell’s offer, Josh would have been the one to tell Leo about it. That couldn’t have been an easy meeting.
Donna glanced over at him to see that he was staring down at the table and set down her drink. “So… you’ve seen Leo,” she said, non-committally.
“Yeah.” Josh spoke quietly, fixing his gaze on a point somewhere half way across the room; Donna could see the muscle in his jaw clench – a sure sign that things had not gone well.
“How did it go?”
“I told him Santos turned Russell down.”
“And?”
“What do you mean, ‘and’?”
She made an exasperated sound. “I mean, what did he say, Josh?”
“What do you think he said?” Josh spat bitterly. “He was pretty pissed and insisted I had to get the Congressman to change his mind and take the deal.”
Donna knew that Josh wasn’t angry with her. He was frustrated, he was annoyed (with Leo, the President, but even more with himself, probably) and, she guessed, feeling more shut out than ever. When they’d talked the last time, after his disagreement with Toby, she’d fathomed that one of the things that was really at the root of Josh’s discontent was the fact that he felt cut off from his friends – or rather, that they were purposefully shutting him out. But this? She knew that Leo and President Bartlet were probably doing what they thought was best for the party and ultimately for the country by trying to avoid the public embarrassment that would be caused by what Josh had termed a ‘pie fight’ at the Convention. But surely, they couldn’t think that Bob Russell could win the election with Arnold Vinick as his opponent? She remembered what she’d said to Josh about the Senator from California all those months ago;
“You have a year to talk me out of voting for him.”
To tell the truth, she didn’t know whether Matt Santos had a chance of beating Vinick either, but she did recognize a better man when she saw one. And with Josh running his campaign - Josh, whose instincts hadn’t failed him yet – well, Donna had learned not to bet against those a long time ago.
“So what did you do?”
“I told him no. I said I was wrong to have even considered it in the first place.” Josh sat forward in his seat and rested his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together as he stared at the floor.
“Thing is,” he began hesitantly, looking up, “what if it’s the wrong decision, Donna? What if all I’ve done is to split the party and hand Vinick the election? What if-?”
“Josh,” Donna leaned towards him and covered his hands with one of hers. “You’ve done the right thing. You know you have.”
Josh looked at her then, a small, rueful smile on his face. As Donna smiled shyly back, she realized that she was gently rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand. Suddenly embarrassed, she attempted to pull back but Josh caught her hand in one of his and gave it a gentle squeeze before letting it go and sitting back in his chair.
Donna sipped her drink quietly, wondering when she’d acquired a stampeding herd of bison in the pit of her stomach. Her mind flew back (again) to the conversation she and Josh had had those few short months ago and then recalled the somewhat stilted phone conversations they’d had recently. Yes, she knew how bad Josh was at this – and being honest, she knew she wasn’t much better - but still, she’d hoped for something, some sort of sign that he hadn’t forgotten what they’d begun to acknowledge that night, or that he remembered what it felt like to kiss her. She got the feeling that he was drawing back from her and it was alternately pissing her off and scaring the crap out of her. Because she sure as hell remembered what it felt like to kiss him.
The sound of his voice snapped her out of her reflection. “You hungry?”
She sighed. “Not really… you?”
“Nah – I’m too…” she thought he looked and sounded a little disappointed. “I don’t really feel like eating.”
“Want to go for a walk? It’s a nice evening.”
“You sure you can afford to be seen with me?” Josh smiled at her. “I mean, Will must be pretty pissed about Santos turning Russell down.”
Donna shook her head. “You know, he’s not – not really.”
She knew what this was – Josh’s protective streak was still clearly functioning at full capacity, but she didn’t think anyone from the campaign would be calling for her resignation because she’d been seen talking to Santos’ campaign manager. It wasn’t unusual for friends who were of the same political persuasion to find themselves working on opposing sides from time to time, and anyway, Will had been quite happy to try to exploit her relationship with Josh a couple of days ago, so it shouldn’t bother him.
“Honestly, I think he’s surprised, more than anything,” she continued. “And in any case, I’m a big girl, Josh - I can choose my own friends.”
His eyebrows would have disappeared into his hairline if they’d been able to climb that far.
“Okay.”
They finished their drinks and left the bar, Donna feeling the comforting, light pressure of Josh’s hand at her back guiding her through the lobby and out into the night. Once they were outside, he stuffed both hands into his pockets and fell easily into step beside her. They walked in silence for a few minutes, Donna thinking all the while about how difficult it must have been for Josh to say ‘no’ to Leo.
There was something else too… She was impressed. And proud. God knew, there had been times during their estrangement when she thought she’d never have the opportunity to tell him that again. Because feeling proud of Josh wasn’t something new. Oh, she’d been careful not to tell him too often – but it was a feeling that had become quite familiar to her in her time at the White House. There were so many pieces of legislation he’d written or seen through Congress over the past seven years that had benefited millions of people. What was there not to be proud of? But this… this was different entirely. Turning down a request (or rather, she thought, an order) from Leo? It seemed to her that this was some sort of turning point for Josh; she knew how much Leo meant to him, how hard he’d striven to be the guy he counted on. Having to tell him ‘no’ must have been one of the hardest things he’d ever done.
And it was then that Donna realized, with a sudden rush of clarity, what it was about Josh that had seemed different to her. Buried somewhere under layers of irritation and disappointment was the determination, self-respect and confidence that she hadn’t seen in him for quite some time. She smiled to herself, knowing how many people would dismiss the idea that Joshua Lyman had ever been lacking in determination or confidence; but they didn’t know him the way she did; they hadn’t seen him at his lowest ebb or at moments when the rug had been pulled out from under his feet, or when a gambit hadn’t paid off. When he’d made a mistake, and he’d taken whatever reprimand had been doled out to him without a word, because he’d not measured up to the standard he’d set himself - because he’d let down Leo and, by extension, the President.
It never ceased to amaze her that Josh somehow managed to find something, some inner resource that kept him going in the face of things that would have caused a lesser man to give up. It wasn’t ambition and it wasn’t ego – although she knew there were many who would dispute that fact – it was that he had this innate need to do the right thing. For others. Rarely for himself.
The bluster, the much vaunted arrogance was the front he presented to the world – behind that was a caring man who would work himself into the ground for something and someone he believed in. He’d done it for eight years for the President and now he was doing it for another man he believed would serve the country well in that office.
And he was doing it alone. Well, not strictly speaking, but he was on his own in the one sense that really mattered to him. His closest friends were doing nothing to help him; and now, to cap it all he was disappointed in Leo and the President and thought that he’d let them down in turn.
Of course, Josh being Josh, he was probably beating himself up about what he’d had to do that evening. Probably? There was no doubt about it – it was a typically ‘him’ thing to do. Glancing over at him, she realized he was miles away – brooding. So she cast about for something to say that would bring him back and enable her to talk him out of his funk.
“I’m sorry, Josh. I know Leo’s been like a – well that he’s important to you, but I still can’t believe he asked you to … ask your guy to throw the fight!”
Her remark had the desired result - Josh grinned.
“Breaking out the sports metaphors, now?”
Donna waved her hand impatiently. “If the shoe fits…”
Josh sighed heavily and scrubbed his hand across his face.
“Oh, God, you should’ve seen the look on his face…” He tipped his head back and heaved a sigh. “It’s just so… I mean, he practically threw me out of the White House and told me to go find my guy. And I did that. I did what he asked me to do - I got on a plane, I went to Texas to ask Santos to –“ he stopped walking suddenly and chuckled. “No wonder Helen hates me. Turning up on their doorstep a couple of days before Christmas and dropping that on them all.”
Donna had gone on a couple of paces and turned back to face him, an incredulous frown starting to make its way across her face.
A couple of days before..?
She walked back to stand in front of him. “You just… flew down there – right before Christmas?”
His eyes flicked to hers for a split second before he dropped his gaze and started kicking at a non-existent – something – on the sidewalk. After a lengthy pause, he said, “Yeah. The day after you…” he faltered as Donna made the connection. She’d stood in the middle of the bullpen that day and given Josh some crap about honor and privilege, and the next day he’d been on a plane, organizing his own departure.
Well. She didn’t really know whether to read anything into that or not.
“I came back to the office and you weren’t there,” he said quietly. “There was… someone else sitting in your chair and I… it felt - leaving the White House suddenly didn’t seem like such a… difficult thing to do.”
Donna gaped at him. Guess that answers that question…
He put his hand on her arm and took a step closer as he looked at her intently, his eyes searching her face for confirmation that she understood what he was telling her. She returned his gaze, lifting her hand tentatively to graze his cheek with her fingers. She did understand - and it was enough to make her head spin. Never in a million years would it have even entered her mind to consider that her quitting might have factored into Josh’s decision to leave the White House. Oh, she knew it would have taken more than that; his loyalty to the President and the party – Leo had all but pushed him out the door in any case – but she hadn’t expected to have played a part in it at all.
And the fact that she had… well, that would take some time to process.
She smiled at him, reassuringly, and ran her hand down his arm, taking his hand and lacing his fingers with hers. He smiled back at her a little shyly, and they resumed their walk – hands now clasped firmly together.
They walked as far as Dupont Circle, then turned - and as they began retrace their steps, Josh said quietly, “I saw Toby today.”
Donna didn’t know what to say, other than, “Oh.”
“Yeah.” Josh scratched the back of his head. “Don’t worry; we didn’t come to blows in the Oval or anything like that.”
“That wasn’t my first concern, actually. How is he?”
“I – we didn’t… he seemed okay. I was waiting for Leo outside the Mural Room, Toby came in and we just… well, to be honest we didn’t say much.”
“That I can believe.”
“He did say he thought I’d done okay without him, though.”
Donna thought about that for a moment. For a man who was able to write so eloquently, Toby could be surprisingly taciturn. But she’d figured out pretty early on that it often had a lot to do with economy – he chose his words carefully and well, and used them precisely; for him to have made that admission to Josh… well, it was the equivalent of a three-page letter of apology from anyone else.
She glanced at Josh. “Well, it’s true - you have…”
He pulled a face. “I know, but… it’s not the same.”
“Did you really think it would be? It’s like I said in the spring, Josh, things change, people change; nothing stays the same for ever. You went out and did what you had to do. And if it works out… well, then there are going to be a large number of people who’ll be grateful that you did - Toby among them, I would think.”
He sighed. “I guess…” Donna let go of his hand and linked her arm through his instead, giving it a little squeeze.
They walked on in silence and were only a couple of blocks from the hotel when Donna spoke again, trying to keep her tone of voice fairly light.
“You know - there’s something I… you said back in New Hampshire that I was on the wrong campaign…”
“Donna –“
“No, let me say this, please. You weren’t wrong. Russell’s not the guy. You were right about that.”
Josh turned his head to look at her quizzically.
"Don't," she warned.
"Don't what?"
"Gloat. Don't gloat."
“I wasn’t, I was…”
“What?”
“Just… surprised, is all.”
“Surprised that I think that, or that I’d actually say it out loud?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Both, I think.”
“But,” she went on earnestly, “I needed to do this. I needed to –“
He waved a hand and looked away. “I know, Donna. I’m just sorry that I wasn’t the one to – to help you do what you needed.”
“Well, maybe I should have done more about that. I didn’t have to stay in my job all those years, Josh. I could have found another job any time – but I didn’t. It was probably silly of me to expect to be able to move on and stay in the same place all at once.”
He frowned. “Okay, that makes no sense.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “You know what I mean –“
“Occasionally.”
She said nothing.
“Okay, yeah, I do. But,” he continued, “I guess I could’ve… I don’t know, done something to help. Found you what you wanted, or at least-“
“Josh. It wasn’t up to you. In the end it was up to me and it took me too long to realize it. And of course, I was scared.”
He shot her a puzzled look and stopped walking. Unwinding her hand from his arm, she turned to face him.
“I mean, it was a big step. I’d been with you for nearly eight years,” she realized once she’d said it that she didn’t say ‘in my job’, or ‘working for you’ – “and the thought of just going, of - leaving you - well, it was terrifying. But after,” she swallowed, “Gaza, I realized things had to change. I wasn’t the same any more. It was a wake up call - like I’d been handed a second chance, and I knew I had to do something with it. I didn’t want to spend my life as your assistant. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I loved my job, I loved working for you; but I’m not Margaret, or Debbie, or Mrs Landingham – they’re wonderful women, able women and I admire them hugely – but that’s not who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be your Margaret – devoted to you but not –“ she pulled up sharply.
This was heading into territory she wasn’t sure either of them was ready for yet. When they’d had dinner that night - the last time they’d had a chance to talk to each other properly - they’d started to re-build their friendship and admit (very vaguely) that maybe friendship wasn’t all they wanted from each other now. But that was as far as they’d gone – and since then, neither of them had said anything more about it.
She risked a glance at Josh, who was smiling at her gently, his eyes filled with warmth and… was that pride?
“Not for nothing… but I didn’t want you to be my Margaret either,” he said quietly, as he stepped closer and took her hand again.
“Well, I doubt Leo ever did that to Margaret,” she grinned.
Josh groaned. “Please - just don’t go there – you’ll short-circuit my brain.”
Donna chuckled. “Okay.”
They walked on.
Cont. in Part Two.
