Well, you asked for it...

[caz963]

Last night, for some strange reason – and without the aid of a net alcohol coloneljack and I got to discussing the truly terrible euphemisms that one finds in porny badfic.

I seem to remember saying something about “throbbing members” and her contributing a “beauteous crevice”… and the conversation just degenerated from there; and I’m afraid I ended up corrupting her saintliness by pointing her in the direction of weepingcock - the place to mock bad porn.

But before that, she suggested that we do a poll to discover the worst porn euphemisms you've every read … which I’m sure will be most amusing.

So… what’s the worst porny description you’ve ever read? If possible, make them generic rather than character-specific. Post a comment and we’ll add the suggestions to the poll and then you can all vote for the world's most dreadful porny euphemism or phrase!

(Comments are screened so we can unleash the suggestions on an unsuspecting public at a later date!)

Oh, and feel free to pimp this and point people over here - the more the merrier! :)

Heh - sounds like an orgy!

Comments

[miraxcorran.livejournal.com]

"sheathed himself to the hilt." The first time, it's a kind of nice euphemism. The tenth time (in one story), it's a little wearying. The four hundred and fifty seventh time, it's a generally accepted cause of suicide. :P

[caz963.livejournal.com]

Bwah! I don't think I've ever used those words, but I think I'm guilty of the odd "to the hilt" ;-)

[kirjava.livejournal.com]

Oh. my. god. I do not need to know about that community. Oops. Too late. Does anyone recall "Insert tab A into slot B" from a recent fic? I think that was my all time wtf? moment. But I always get a kick out of people being divested of their clothing. Also, you say "he found her center" and I think, her bellybutton? Was it hiding? How can it be your center if it's also your "down there"? I guess it is halfway between the front and the back but... and that's as much time as I'm going to spend thinking about that.

[caz963.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I think I've "divested" once... but definitely NOT done the "A into B" thing...

[leli-5.livejournal.com]

I'll have to really think about this, but off the top of my head I have to say:

Female - sopping beef curtains

Male - throbbing pork-sword

What is with the meat theme, btw? I can't remember where the pork-sword one was from, but the other is from a magazine that my friend had. There were quite a few awful ones in there.

[caz963.livejournal.com]

BEEF CURTAINS?????

Eew. Just. Eew.

[argentwings.livejournal.com]

Manroot. That is all.

[caz963.livejournal.com]

That is all.

Well, yes, I can see why it would be!

[(Anonymous)]

When you get the list together, would you consider writing an incredibly smutty, fluffy J/D fic?...maybe while they were on vacation the sun and fruity rum drinks got to them and they had this same conversation.
I loved your newest fic. As always perfect voices and no unfortunate euphemisms.
I was looking at your recs because I remember a fic where Josh comes in after Donna has had their baby. Part of it is the baby's point of view and she says something to the effect of "oh the guy with the funny hair is Daddy." I can't seem to find it, could you point me in the right direction?
Thanks
Kelly

[caz963.livejournal.com]

Bwah! Josh and Donna discussing bad porn? I think it may have been done, but otherwise, it's a thought... ;-)

I think I remember that fic - it might be one of Bex's - I'll let you know.

(Oh, and thanks for reading my latest - glad you liked it.)

[teresadivicenzo.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey! I've got an entire fic I could post here.

[caz963.livejournal.com]

You don't say... ;-)